Two Months

Dear Matthew,

Tomorrow you turn two months old, and I have to say that the time since you were born has been the happiest of my life. Every day I take so much joy in feeding you at my breast, taking you on walks to the park, watching you sleep in the rear view mirror and sharing you with my closest friends and family. Right now you are changing by the day, having already grown to 24 inches and about 12 pounds, and your dad and I are so glad that you are healthy and on your way to becoming a very strong little boy.

I realized yesterday that I am the only one who could have brought you into this world, and that you are the only boy I was meant to have as my first son. That makes us very specially intended for each other, and I intend to raise you to be a wonderfully loved human being. I will always be here for you and always ensure you have what you need.

This week marks the last full week I will enjoy with you before I must return to work full time, and the reality of this started to really hit me a few days ago. I played a couple of shows with my old band over the weekend and I had no idea how hard it would be to leave you just for a few hours those evenings, even when you would be in the best of hands. An hour or so before I was ready to leave on Friday night I found myself in tears, and realized that it was more than just the evening that would see us apart - it was the months ahead of us. It didn't matter that you would be in an excellent day care two days per week and with your dad and grandpa the remainder; it only mattered that you would not be with me. After having you live inside my body for ten months and rely on it for food ever since, thinking about being apart from you for any length of time is like considering leaving the house without my legs.

This morning you were very fussy, having woken up earlier than usual and receiving a bottle instead of a breast as we prepare you for the increased bottle feedings ahead of you. We put you right back to bed after eating. As I made my own breakfast in the kitchen, you were unrelenting in your crib, and I tried to let you cry yourself to sleep but it wasn't working. I finally changed your diaper and let you sit with me a while in the kitchen, but you continued to show me how tired you were. I couldn't put you back to sleep, so as soon as I had milk to offer, we sat down in the nursery for some breastfeeding. But you didn't reach for the breast. You just laid in front of me and locked eyes with me. I looked back at you and asked if you had just wanted to be close to mommy. Then you smiled at me. Your smile has been showing up every day and it is every bit as wonderful as I had hoped.


Seeing you so content to simply sit with me and have it soothe you so completely caused the crying to stop for you but begin in me. My tears welled up and you watched them fill my eyes. You began to suckle but continued to stare at me, and I wondered what you were thinking as I cried. Did you know I was crying just as you had been, minutes before? Did you feel how much of my crying was happiness for the amount of love I feel for you? Or was I potentially making you upset all over again? I will never know what you were thinking as you watched me cry, but you seemed to be taking it in, and I think you get your keen perception from your father.

But then you amazed me even more. I stroked your head and held you close to me, trying to control my tears, and told you once more that I love you, as I tell you countless times every day. Without lifting your mouth from the boobie sandwich, you looked at me and told me you loved me too. Except it sounded more like "muoah-mlah-wha-muoah." My crying became laughter and the tears flowed even more. Your precious innocence makes me cry like nothing else. It was a moment I cannot adequately describe here, that you and I will share in my memory always.

We have so much to look forward to, Matthew. This is only the beginning.

Love,
Mom

Redefining Love

How can I put into words the things I love the most about my son? Does "everything" sum it up? Every day with him is a remarkable new discovery. Every time I breastfeed him I am overcome with love for that look in his eyes. Holding him as I walk from the car to the house, usually soothing him with words like, "I know" or "I'm gonna feed you right now," I hold his tiny head in my hands and can't stop kissing it. Walking into his room in the middle of the night and unwrapping his swaddled blanket so that I can pick up his tiny frame and kiss his cheek on the way to the changing table is one of my favorite rituals. Laughing at his burps, his farts, the way he grunts and twists as he pushes out his poop - these are things only a mother could love. And I do. I relish them all; every ounce of his 11.1 pounds.

His daddy is just as crazy about him. He comes home from work and after giving me a big kiss and hug, always asks, "Where's the little guy?" and wants to check on him if he is sleeping. When he leaves in the morning, he always tells Matthew: "Be good for your mommy!" (and he always is.) He looks forward to giving Matthew a bottle in the evening, which has included a formula supplement lately, and putting him down to bed. His dad has been happy to be in his life, and for that I am most grateful.

The bonus is that I am happy to have his daddy in MY life. Throughout my pregnancy I kept him at a distance and thought I could do this on my own if I needed to. But from the moment I got home from the hospital he has been my partner and supporter in every imaginable way - from feeding my cat and cleaning his litterbox to taking out my garbage and picking up groceries. The emotional support and his physical presence has been the most comforting aspect to me, even beyond the household help. The other day I was fighting the routine due to lack of sleep and I became overcome with emotions, and he rushed home from work to hold me and remind me that I am "doing an awesome job." He then ordered me to go to bed or go do something for myself for a few hours. I opted to spend time with him. He, in turn, said he was going to be in charge of the baby until midnight. Then he made me dinner and tucked me in at 8:30 PM. I slept so soundly until just after midnight, when Matthew awakened and I was more than happy to feed him myself. I felt so rested already - just those 3.5 hours of solid sleep truly did make all the difference, and the fact that he had ordered me to do it made me feel like someone was protecting and nurturing me just as I nurture our son every day. Could I do this all myself? I would guess, maybe. But I am thankful beyond all measure that I instead have him at my side, on this incredible journey with me.

We share love, emotional support, and a common interest in giving our son the best possible life. By that definition, we are family.

In the Glow of Love

Today I was changing Matthew after our morning walk and feeding, and he gave me a look. It was a look that was almost as if he had something to say. I stopped what I was doing, leaned forward, started talking to him and asking him for my smile. If I've asked him once I've asked him a dozen times a day, "Where's my smile?" His dad seems to be better at extracting it than I, so far. But today, I saw my opening. I asked for it, and suddenly, his whole face relaxed, his eyes brightened, and the corners of his mouth pulled back into a grin. A contented, immaculate grin. I went crazy and thanked him and realized I was crying before I could even think about it.

He has brought about such a foundational shift into my life; a giant pivot towards the sun. Whether he's fussy in the backseat and I have to tell him we're almost home, or he's nuzzled to my breast with his hand folded alongside his mouth, I still feel a mortal connection to him. All the cliches about motherhood have proven not only prophetic, but vastly understated.

I just love him so much, and love being his mother, and am so lucky to have him. I will keep telling him every day.

Bed Buddy

Since Matthew was born, he has slept every night in the crook of my arm. Sleeping this way began as a way of ensuring he could be comforted into a restful stretch of peace, and has continued as insurance that each stretch of sleep will last around 3 hours.

Even though I love the warmth of the body and the consistency that this has brought for both of us, the habit is risky and our sleep quality will suffer over tme. The need to wean him from this arrangement is inevitable. Thus, two nights ago I began to put an unfortunate end to this fine season of peace.

It shouldn't be too bad, really. We have a co-sleeper (like a basinette but with one side lowered to the level of my bed) in my room and he sleeps fairly well in it during naps. I nurse him in bed at night and when we are done, I burp him and usually slide down into the sheets and drift right back into sleep alongside him. Now, I just have to carefully place him in the co-sleeper next to me instead. The tricky part is, I have to be absolutely certain he is asleep before I place him down, otherwise he wakes and cries and the whole process begins again from scratch, with an infant who knows he is being conned.

The net effect of this is that for the past two nights, my trusty three-hour intervals of sleep have all but evaporated. Now we wake approximately every 90 minutes. You can imagine how I feel about this change. Unfortunately it takes a toll on Matthew, too, who needs longer stretches of sleep that can only begotten by draining each of my breasts every hour on the hour.

We don't have much choice except to keep working on it. During the day I've started putting him in his crib in his own room, and perhaps soon I will take him out of my room altogether. He would probably sleep better if he were in his own space all the time, as his daddy can be quite loud with his snoring, too.

Little by little, we will get there, but this week has been a tough one.

Maximizing The Cuteness

I am making a concerted effort not to post a new pic of Matthew on Facebook every day. So instead, since those of you who come here are probably specifically seeking out such cuteness, I reserve the right to innundate my blog with pics of my gorgeous boy as often as I would like.

Here are just a highlights from the past week or so.


























And last but not least, a very cute video of my youngest nephew Nate showing an interest in the drum core alongside Bumpa, who serenaded Matthew and I one leisurely afternoon.

First Visitors

During Matthew's first two weeks of life, he was introduced to many family members and friends. I don't have pictures of everyone, but here are some moments shared between our nearest and dearest and the future rock star!







Grandma Laurie and grandpa Burt were at the hospital during my labor and returned the next morning to enjoy the fruits thereof!





My friend Angie is a former co-worker and one of the many girlfriends who politely excused me from Happy Hour for the past ten months.









My friend Angela and I hadn't seen each other in many years and broke the silence when she showed up at the hospital. It was wonderful to see her again, especially under such joyous circumstances.






Sidney and Tory are among my oldest and dearest friends and started falling for Matthew as soon as he looked at them with those big innocent blue eyes.

Trevor is Jess's 14-year old son from his first marriage and isn't quite sure what to do with his newborn brother. I am sure in no time, Trevor will be giving Matthew guitar lessons and raspberries.

Bumpa was at the hospital when Matthew was born but of course has made frequent return visits since. He is such the proud grandpa to a third grandson! He will be very helpful with childcare when I go back to work at the end of March.

The extended family (including Dan, Danny, Shawn, Susanne, Sherry, and more) have been a huge help to me with their meal offerings during their visits, and giving me a reason to shower and brush my teeth regularly.

Aunt Woob and Rodrigo brought me some champagne on a "Sunday Fun Day" and were all too happy to spend some time with baby Matthew. Can't wait for a play date with Winston!

Our friends Alex and Deborah brought their daughter Maya over when Matthew was barely two weeks old. Alex and I met about 9 years ago through a recycler ad when we were both looking for fellow musicians, and he eventually introduced me to Jess.

My old boss Kathi came by to shower Matthew with love and catch up with me and Jamie Bone, our Merit co-worker. It was so wonderful to hang with these wonderful women again!

Matthew is very lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive, loving people! We hope the visits continue!

One-Sided Conversations

Before I delivered Matthew, one of the many things I did during the agonizing wait was speculate what it would be like to be alone every day with him at home, not working. I thought I would be bored, lonely, and in need of adult stimulation. As it turns out, the latter is still true, but I am not bored or lonely in the least. My little man is turning out to be the most amazing companion a girl could ask for. I am sorry to be so obvious and predictable, but everyone was right about what it would be like to have a child for the first time. It has completely changed my life, for the better. And every day, I let him know.

Here is a summary of the dialogue that the fly on the wall hears in my condo every day. (Comments are in no particular order:)

"I love you so much, Matthew. You are the sweetest, most adorable baby in the world. I will do everything I can to make sure you have everything you need in life. You have so much to look forward to. Everyone loves you. Mommy loves you soooo much. Daddy loves you too. Everyone who meets you just thinks you are the sweetest thing. How did you get to be so cute? Did you steal all the cuteness from the other babies at the hospital? Yes you did! Oh dear, bless you! Oh my!"

It can get worse than this, but you get the idea. My son owns me. He doesn't even have to cry, because I am already on top of whatever it is he may need. As a result, or maybe just because I got really lucky, I have a very good baby.



He is breastfeeding really well, and has a hearty appetite, and I feed him on demand. I lose track of which breast we left off on. But I love the look in his eyes when he first latches on. He raises his eyebrows and gets these forehead lines that are straight from his Dad (or maybe mine!) His eyes become searching, little darts of inquisition waiting for the first drop of milk to hit his palate. When it does, the whites of his eyes slowly roll back and close as if in the beginning of a relaxing massage. Then I rub his head and his cheeks, and kiss his forehead as I hold him close to me. I had no idea breastfeeding would be such an intimate experience.

Sleep at night comes in 2- to 3-hour intervals, the roughest of which are the ones after the first block of sleep, when my body really wants it to be quitting time. Also Jess is a grizzly snorer, so when he is here it is even harder to find that much needed rest. But with Matthew, as soon as I've fed him well, he will snuggle up to me and go right back to sleep. Today we accidentally slept in until almost 10 AM. I never imagined I'd need to use an alarm clock while learning to adapt to a newborn's sleep schedule. Soon, hopefully, he will be adapting to mine.

Here we are at the 2 and a half week mark, and I honestly couldn't be happier. My son is the light of my life. I so enjoy being home with him, and already dread having to return to work at the end of March. I wish I could devote myself entirely to nurturing him for the first year or two, at least. Unfortunately, life has not set me up for that. We will make it work either way. For now, I am soaking in every moment, and will continue talking to him as though he can understand every word I say. As soon as he is old enough to know who Mama is, I want to make sure he has no doubt about her love for him.