Two Months

Dear Matthew,

Tomorrow you turn two months old, and I have to say that the time since you were born has been the happiest of my life. Every day I take so much joy in feeding you at my breast, taking you on walks to the park, watching you sleep in the rear view mirror and sharing you with my closest friends and family. Right now you are changing by the day, having already grown to 24 inches and about 12 pounds, and your dad and I are so glad that you are healthy and on your way to becoming a very strong little boy.

I realized yesterday that I am the only one who could have brought you into this world, and that you are the only boy I was meant to have as my first son. That makes us very specially intended for each other, and I intend to raise you to be a wonderfully loved human being. I will always be here for you and always ensure you have what you need.

This week marks the last full week I will enjoy with you before I must return to work full time, and the reality of this started to really hit me a few days ago. I played a couple of shows with my old band over the weekend and I had no idea how hard it would be to leave you just for a few hours those evenings, even when you would be in the best of hands. An hour or so before I was ready to leave on Friday night I found myself in tears, and realized that it was more than just the evening that would see us apart - it was the months ahead of us. It didn't matter that you would be in an excellent day care two days per week and with your dad and grandpa the remainder; it only mattered that you would not be with me. After having you live inside my body for ten months and rely on it for food ever since, thinking about being apart from you for any length of time is like considering leaving the house without my legs.

This morning you were very fussy, having woken up earlier than usual and receiving a bottle instead of a breast as we prepare you for the increased bottle feedings ahead of you. We put you right back to bed after eating. As I made my own breakfast in the kitchen, you were unrelenting in your crib, and I tried to let you cry yourself to sleep but it wasn't working. I finally changed your diaper and let you sit with me a while in the kitchen, but you continued to show me how tired you were. I couldn't put you back to sleep, so as soon as I had milk to offer, we sat down in the nursery for some breastfeeding. But you didn't reach for the breast. You just laid in front of me and locked eyes with me. I looked back at you and asked if you had just wanted to be close to mommy. Then you smiled at me. Your smile has been showing up every day and it is every bit as wonderful as I had hoped.


Seeing you so content to simply sit with me and have it soothe you so completely caused the crying to stop for you but begin in me. My tears welled up and you watched them fill my eyes. You began to suckle but continued to stare at me, and I wondered what you were thinking as I cried. Did you know I was crying just as you had been, minutes before? Did you feel how much of my crying was happiness for the amount of love I feel for you? Or was I potentially making you upset all over again? I will never know what you were thinking as you watched me cry, but you seemed to be taking it in, and I think you get your keen perception from your father.

But then you amazed me even more. I stroked your head and held you close to me, trying to control my tears, and told you once more that I love you, as I tell you countless times every day. Without lifting your mouth from the boobie sandwich, you looked at me and told me you loved me too. Except it sounded more like "muoah-mlah-wha-muoah." My crying became laughter and the tears flowed even more. Your precious innocence makes me cry like nothing else. It was a moment I cannot adequately describe here, that you and I will share in my memory always.

We have so much to look forward to, Matthew. This is only the beginning.

Love,
Mom