One-Sided Conversations

Before I delivered Matthew, one of the many things I did during the agonizing wait was speculate what it would be like to be alone every day with him at home, not working. I thought I would be bored, lonely, and in need of adult stimulation. As it turns out, the latter is still true, but I am not bored or lonely in the least. My little man is turning out to be the most amazing companion a girl could ask for. I am sorry to be so obvious and predictable, but everyone was right about what it would be like to have a child for the first time. It has completely changed my life, for the better. And every day, I let him know.

Here is a summary of the dialogue that the fly on the wall hears in my condo every day. (Comments are in no particular order:)

"I love you so much, Matthew. You are the sweetest, most adorable baby in the world. I will do everything I can to make sure you have everything you need in life. You have so much to look forward to. Everyone loves you. Mommy loves you soooo much. Daddy loves you too. Everyone who meets you just thinks you are the sweetest thing. How did you get to be so cute? Did you steal all the cuteness from the other babies at the hospital? Yes you did! Oh dear, bless you! Oh my!"

It can get worse than this, but you get the idea. My son owns me. He doesn't even have to cry, because I am already on top of whatever it is he may need. As a result, or maybe just because I got really lucky, I have a very good baby.



He is breastfeeding really well, and has a hearty appetite, and I feed him on demand. I lose track of which breast we left off on. But I love the look in his eyes when he first latches on. He raises his eyebrows and gets these forehead lines that are straight from his Dad (or maybe mine!) His eyes become searching, little darts of inquisition waiting for the first drop of milk to hit his palate. When it does, the whites of his eyes slowly roll back and close as if in the beginning of a relaxing massage. Then I rub his head and his cheeks, and kiss his forehead as I hold him close to me. I had no idea breastfeeding would be such an intimate experience.

Sleep at night comes in 2- to 3-hour intervals, the roughest of which are the ones after the first block of sleep, when my body really wants it to be quitting time. Also Jess is a grizzly snorer, so when he is here it is even harder to find that much needed rest. But with Matthew, as soon as I've fed him well, he will snuggle up to me and go right back to sleep. Today we accidentally slept in until almost 10 AM. I never imagined I'd need to use an alarm clock while learning to adapt to a newborn's sleep schedule. Soon, hopefully, he will be adapting to mine.

Here we are at the 2 and a half week mark, and I honestly couldn't be happier. My son is the light of my life. I so enjoy being home with him, and already dread having to return to work at the end of March. I wish I could devote myself entirely to nurturing him for the first year or two, at least. Unfortunately, life has not set me up for that. We will make it work either way. For now, I am soaking in every moment, and will continue talking to him as though he can understand every word I say. As soon as he is old enough to know who Mama is, I want to make sure he has no doubt about her love for him.