The Calm Before the Storm

Dear Baby,

Today marked the day before your due date. I like to think of these times as the "calm before the storm"; the time for me to take advantage of my solitude and do all the things that people say I won't have time to do once you arrive. Because once you are here, you are going to dominate my every move, and command my full attention. Today sort of felt like my bachelorette party - the last day of my freedom-loving single life before the old ball-and-chain pulls me down into a life-long commitment.

In honor of this era, and following the sage advice of those who have birthed children before me, here is a list of things I have done recently to keep myself occupied and pass the time until you arrive:

Created this blog
Organized the kitchen and bathroom cabinets
Gone to see Avatar and Up In The Air
Watched countless additional movies on TV while laying on the couch
Colored my hair
Had a mani-pedi
Ordered prints of my digital photos, put them in albums and hung them in frames
Practiced the guitar and sang for you
Visited Amy and your cousins in Torrance
Attended Uncle Scott's CIF Football games
Read and re-read books on natural childbirth and What to Expect the First Year
Visited the day care center you will go to when I return to work
Taken long walks in the park, at the beach, at the swap meet and the mall
Read the OC Weekly cover-to-cover while drinking a half-caf at Starbuck's
Practiced saying your names out loud to see which one seems to fit best
Praying to God for a natural and safe delivery, and asking for your help
Packed a bag for the hospital
Washed and folded all of your baby clothes and blankets
Installed the car seat in my car
Stocked my kitchen with dry foods (and tried not to eat them all)
Tried to finish my bathtub installation (but at this point you will be here before the bathroom is done).

I get around 9 hours of broken sleep a night, going to bed around 9:30 and rising with plenty of energy around 7:30 in the morning. Getting in and out of bed is a bit difficult, as you have really gotten big these past couple of weeks. It is amazing feeling you inside me, and you have carried so easily, never poking my ribs or irritating my cervix. I am so grateful that my pregnancy with you has been so smooth; you have confirmed the instincts I have always had about child-rearing - that I could do it comfortably and naturally, and I hope to carry that practice all the way through to the moment you are in my arms.

Unfortunately I haven't had many indications that you are coming tomorrow, despite it being your due date, and everyone around me is very anxious for an update, which is frustrating to me. A due date is just an estimate, and is no guarantee that you are ready to greet the world. Because you have been so comfortable inside me, I have no problem with you waiting a few more days before emerging to take your first breaths, but it has been difficult to convey that to those around me who just can't wait to meet you. Modern medicine has allowed for so many women to simply schedule their baby's birthdays, enabling them to either discontinue an uncomfortable pregnancy or maximize their exclusive time with you before returning to work. But I have discussed with my doctor how I would prefer for you to come in your own time, once you are ready, and I trust my body to take the cue from you. The hospital's policy won't allow him to induce me until a week from tomorrow (Jan 11) unless you or I show signs of distress. My feeling right now is that you will be here in a few days - probably by Friday. But that isn't based on anything other than a hunch, and a hope. Artificial induction is painful and risky, and I continue to pray that we can avoid as many medical interventions over this natural process as possible.

Today I was doing my usual thing, trying to keep the condo well organized and clean while staying active and eating healthy, and when I went to take the trash to the dumpster downstairs, I accidentally locked myself out. The door handle automatically locks if I pull the door all the way shut, and I knew I was going to do this to myself someday. I didn't panic; luckily nothing was on the stove, I didn't have to pee, and I had just eaten. Your grandfather has a key to our place so I simply borrowed a neighbor's phone and called him to come to my rescue, which he obligingly did right away. As I sat on the steps and waited, I thought about moments like these and how they oddly work out for me. I was thankful that I hadn't yet given birth to you and that you were safely with me rather than inside alone. I knew I would learn from this and have the chance to correct the situation before that occasion should ever arise. I was thankful that my Dad had a key and could come help me out. Then, a couple from downstairs that I had never met walked by, and we got to introduce ourselves. The woman, Diana, said she is due in six weeks with her first baby girl, even though she didn't look pregnant at all. We had a nice conversation comparing notes and then she went to eat her In-and-Out lunch with her husband. I was thankful I had the chance to meet them. I got the feeling that Diana and I could lean on each other in the months ahead. I was thankful I locked myself out and had a chance to meet her. I like to consider the probability that we just began a long friendship, completely by accident.

My sweet baby, I so look forward to sharing my perspective on life with you. The last year has been a hard one for me, and I have just begun to make sacrifices in order to give you some semblance of the life you deserve to live. On this eve of your due date, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, devoted to you, adoring you, and cannot wait to know the person you are. I didn't want to name you before you arrived because I want you to have a say in the matter. I look forward to meeting you, getting to know your name, and thanking you for finally giving me mine.

Love,
Mama